Dodgy Joke Thread

[Fizzbomb]

Hat and Coat time...............
 
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been... Seriously Hampered!

[Nefari]

I would like to start a petition to get temp bans put on anyone posting christmas related jokes... Yes I feel THAT strongly about it *shakes fist*

[Traveller]

/signed

[Traveller]

Soz for the last one....just looked so real!

[Traveller]

...and finally, just to show how I feel about this party i have to go to tonight....

[Traveller]

...this first one's seasonal!

the second one would've made a better Star Wars Episode I - III imo.

[Traveller]

made for the role!

[Traveller]

mmm....with a few modifications to my study.....

[Fizzbomb]

A little kid came up to me in the street today and asked "What's your favourite Telly Tubby"..

I replied " Probably the Samsung 42 inch Flat screen, ya cheeky little Fcuk".............

[Nefari]

A few more from the depths of my HDD.

[Nefari]

No jokes today, just me being an asshole  


P.S: Ignore the UI, was in the process of sorting it out for that toon.

[Dalane]

No joke, funny PIC though

[Traveller]

topical this one. Always is in WoW 

[Traveller]

Continuing in the theme...

[Traveller]

Ok I object to this!

For a start, I don't have glasses and my house is waaay tidier than that, I don't use a pillow behind my head (although it's a great idea and one I might use) and..... and....well ......that is all  

[Traveller]

I've tried it...it isn't as funny as they say 

[Traveller]

Found these on a website that sells T-shirts...

[Kevro]

Breaking News

[Nefari]

We need some more dodgy jokes, so here's a few of my slightly dodgy - yet edging on the tamer side ones for ya, don't want to push my luck too much 


What's more fun that swinging a baby round on a washing line?
Stopping it with a shovel.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt!

What's the difference between a pile of dead prostitues and a brand new ferrari?
I don't have a brand new ferrari in my garage.

Two nuns sat in a bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap?"
Other nun replies "It does a bit doesn't it".


Major props to anyone who gets the last one immediately. 

[Fizzbomb]

Subject: THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY-


Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced  Marmite  sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Law of Lost Objects - No matter how quickly or how long it takes to find something, it will always be in the last place you look.